A New Seminary

Growing up a United Methodist, I lament the fact that we do not have a United Methodist Seminary in the state of South Carolina. Instead, to get a degree from a United Methodist school you must travel to either North Carolina or Georgia and beyond. So one of my dreams is that we could open up a school here in SC and attach it to Wofford College, not an unreasonable suggestion in my opinion. With that in mind, I want to suggest changing the curriculum for such a school. I received a great education from a wonderful Divinity School, but I’ve had a lot of on the job training as a pastor. I think we need a few more practical classes to be taught. We will have many of the same classes that they teach at other fine institutions of higher learning, but I want to include some others. Here is what I would add:

Paper Work 101 and 301: The first class will help individuals attempting to be ordained. This is not only good in getting ordained, but will also aid them once they become ordained. The second, more difficult class will aid pastors as they slowly and painfully become paper-pusher for the conference.
Parking 101: In this class, you would learn all about the parking laws. You will also endeavor to learn the best strategy for getting as many cars parked in a particular lot as possible. Geometry is a prerequisite. This will forever eliminate the excuse of having parking issues in church.
Delegation 211: In this class you will learn to say no to a variety of things. “No, I will not lock up the church b/c that is the trustees job.” “No, I will not call everyone on the committee to remind them of the meeting.” “No, I will not reprint the bulletins to include your name.” “No, I will not paint the Sunday school room by myself.”
Surgery 101 and 311: The first semester class will teach that not every member of the church is there for the right reasons and this includes leadership. The second class will teach the art of how to delicately and lovingly removing the infections that plague the body of Christ. Despite the title, you do not need a medical degree.
Finances 101 and 201: The first class would be the basics in understanding financial issues at they relate to the church. Upon completion one will learn more about financial matters that deal specifically with clergy. Tax laws as well as the convoluted and often confusing Pension and Health Benefits systems of the United Methodist Church would be discussed.
Church Maintenance 101 & 319: In the first class, basic skills like stacking chairs and folding tables to unclogging toilets and taking out garbage is covered. The second is a much more elevated level of a class that includes the inner workings of a church boiler to learning the law as it relates to theft, graffiti and trespassing.
Death 201: Field training as individuals would have to spend time with funeral home and mortuary workers so he or she can help families make the best decisions possible for loved ones when the time comes. Time with the embalmer is optional.
Truth-telling 316: This is definitely an upper level class. Field training would include work with CIA agents trained in the art of deception. One will learn about eye contact and body language when attempting to ascertain the truth. Standard stories from the street will be memorized and recited.